If I were a superhero, my special power would be peeing. I’ve been in and out of the bathroom all day for as long as I can remember. When we buy a giant 36-roll block of Charmin at Target, Boyd says he hopes it will last the weekend. Over the last couple of years, however,… Continue reading it’s a condition.
Like all personal insights, there are things about family life that must be learned from one’s own experience. However, I can only hope that the wisdom I have gleaned through my own personal struggles as a wife and mother will be of help to others and save someone pain. Thus I bring you: 5 Profound… Continue reading 5 profound things i’ve learned from my family
When I was 23, I left New York for Northern California in search of a gentler way of life. I’ve loved living here ever since, and can’t imagine anyplace feeling more like home. However, there are moments when it’s clear to me that despite my improved attitude, I will never, ever, completely fit in here.… Continue reading fitting in
LILA: Don’t you want to hold my hand? ME: Of course! I love to hold your little hand. LILA: Do you love all the little parts of my hand, like all the little nails and everything? ME: Yes! I love all your parts. Every freckle and every hair. I even love the parts that you… Continue reading an actual conversation
For years, Boyd and I have disagreed about the appropriate length for his hair. He likes it short, in what feels to me like a whisper longer than five-o-clock shadow. I prefer a little more length, just enough that it officially it announces itself as hair rather than a trick of the light. While I… Continue reading boyd on hair
My friend Stacy, who is 10 years older than me but similarly hirsute, recently took the following hair inventory: Face and throat: Growing like wildfire. Vagina: Can’t keep up. Accepting sea anemone-like state. Brows: Bald spots and cowlicks. Using Lady Rogaine. Lower legs: No hair. Upper legs: Random 2-inch-long sprouts. Big toes: Long, dark, curb-feeler… Continue reading sam on hair
Today I told Boyd that what I want for my birthday this year is for him to remove – and preferably destroy – the clock on my kitchen wall. I have lived with this merry musical blight for one year, seven months and 29 days, ever since my mother-in-law gave it to Lila for Christmas.… Continue reading the clock
Nothing makes me feel quite so inadequate as the sight of a well-dressed woman with a baby nursing discreetly at her breast like a stylish accessory. I have tried nursing bras and nursing tops, blankets, burpies and hooter hiders. I am apparently just not up to the mechanical challenge of covering my breasts while nursing… Continue reading i don’t want to see your boobies
Today Boyd, Lila, Lou and I braved Berkeley Bowl together, our first major grocery run as a family of four. Berkeley Bowl is my least favorite place, but there’s no denying that it’s cheaper and has a better selection than Whole Foods. So, I agreed to go despite the inevitable brushes with patchouli-dipped hipsters “being… Continue reading berkeley bowl
Beautiful Lou was born at 10:56 am on March 7th, weighing 8 pounds, 8 ounces. Everything at the hospital went just great, from the surgery itself to the nurses assigned to me before and after. Lou and I spent four quiet days and nights there in a blissful state of grogginess, gazing at one another… Continue reading presenting lou
Boyd and I agree that this will be our last child. There is a small part of me that feels sad at that idea, and of never experiencing this amazing and miraculous pregnancy thing again. It is, after all, an incredible thing to feel another little body growing and moving inside your own. But mostly,… Continue reading golden girl
Last week I went for my checkup with Dr. A. a day early. I was having all sorts of pain, and Boyd, with the kind of near-hysterical optimism that only someone who lives with a constant kvetcher like me can muster, thought that maybe Dr. A. could help. She took about three minutes to establish… Continue reading hitch
Given my experience when Lila was born, you can see why I would be nervous about this birth. That first time, I did everything “right”: took a childbirth class, worked with a doula, practiced relaxation techniques and did prenatal yoga every day. My diet was perfect, my kegel exercises constant, my iPod cued up to… Continue reading episode one
When your biggest fantasy about your husband is waking him up just so you can punch him in the face, it’s fair to say that things are not good. Lately, the onslaught of pregnancy hormones have combined with sheer exhaustion to create a cocktail of primal rage that is really not good for the marital… Continue reading hell hath no fury
I love Boyd. However, when the stakes are high, he does not exactly thrive under pressure. I give you the following exchange: Me: “I am as big as a house. There is no clothing anywhere on the planet that is big enough to fit me. I can barely walk across the room without passing out,… Continue reading what not to say
If you’re at the grocery store, and the cashier looks at your belly and asks when the baby is due, and you say you still have 12 weeks to go, and he says, “Holy shit,” is that bad?
Months ago, I made the transition from a person who would never wear an elastic waist to someone who will wear nothing but. Now in my sixth month of pregnancy and gigantic beyond belief, I have crossed into strange new territory where even the elastic waist is too constricting. When it’s time to get dressed… Continue reading fling wear
When I was pregnant with Lila, I ate like something out of Fit Pregnancy magazine. Vegetables, fruits, fish, flax … and certainly no flour or sugar. My biggest vice was the occasional handful of prunes, which I craved constantly but only indulged in now and then due to the high sugar content. In addition to… Continue reading gingerbread baby
I love our marriage therapist, Paula. She gets all teary in sympathy at my now-sixth consecutive month of morning sickness, and kindly insists that I am not as fat as I think I am. But what endears her to me most is that she looks like someone who would have a really nice house to… Continue reading nap at your house?
So here I am, pregnant with our second child and, I don’t mind adding, sick as a motherfucker. I am nauseated absolutely all of the time, but this has in no way hampered my nearly overnight transformation from a normal-sized person to a very fat person. I am suddenly and completely huge. Consuming roughly 80,000… Continue reading preggie pops