Months ago, I made the transition from a person who would never wear an elastic waist to someone who will wear nothing but. Now in my sixth month of pregnancy and gigantic beyond belief, I have crossed into strange new territory where even the elastic waist is too constricting. When it’s time to get dressed in the morning, the only garment that I can imagine putting on comfortably is a blanket with a hole cut out of it for my head. Anything more form-fitting, i.e. everything, feels suffocating. Even my nighttime wardrobe, once a comforting oasis from the rules of style and propriety, seems unreasonably demanding. All my nightgowns that used to fall to my mid thigh now hit me right around the waist, thanks to the giant balloon of my belly. If I want any semblance of dignity with my family, I have to cover my lower half with my bathrobe, which is one-size-fits-all and yet now barely closes. The only thing that keeps it closed is a belt, which just seems downright unfair.
Being nauseous and bedridden and up all night has its drawbacks, but one sunny result is that I’ve had lots of time to ponder my clothing-imposed discomfort and to imagine a solution. Thus, after much consideration, I present Fling Wear.
Fling Wear is not, as the name might imply, clothing to wear when you are having a fling. On the contrary, Fling Wear is the antithesis of sex. It is what you wear when the word sex evokes only annoyance at your friends, family and neighbors for continually asking you if you might be having sextuplets.
Fling Wear is essentially a large swathe of buttery soft fabric – the color is totally inconsequential, but if I had to specify, I’d say brown – and to put it on, you just sort of fling yourself at it. That’s it. There are no body-hugging seams, no elastic waists or even necklines to restrict the spill of one’s parts. I haven’t quite worked out yet how to keep it from falling off, but I’d say that’s really secondary. I’ve already flung myself at it; it doesn’t seem fair for me to also be responsible for whether or not it stays on. There might be Velcro or something similarly undemanding to help generate some cling, but I hesitate to introduce structure to the FW. I leave the details to younger people, or more ambitious people, or people who sleep. But I’m telling you, I’m onto something here. Someone should run with it.